Last Time I Saw You, You Turned Away.

Sorry my little blog page. I've ignored you since my first post! :( been what? A week? So... where am I this week? Not much further than last week. And it still feels pretty good. Not much to worry about. I think soon though I'm really gonna be looking for a job and starting to run. Sitting around at home is getting boring. Wish I had some money for a MP3 Player though... I'm pretty much banishing soda from my diet. All I have been drinking is water and tea with honey. I am adding more fruits and vegetables into my diet as well. So Taylor and Lexi are doing well. She is a really fun girl but seeing them together really makes me miss having a girlfriend. I think its time I really start losing weight and strive to be better. It's fun sitting around not doing much. But it's hard. This past week has been really depressing for me though. Still my only wanting of a car is even further away from me than it has ever been I think. And I've just been reminded that when I get a job I have to keep signing my paychecks to my mother for rent.... I haven't owned my own bank account or put my Own pay check into my own bank for almost a whole year now... One of my best friends in the whole world is officially gone for the next 2 years. All my friends are just busy with life. And they all have cars... and money... All I have is..... my computer. My pride is gone. My mother took that from me years ago. I feel so trapped and unenthused. Probably why I dont work out or care what i've eaten. It's why I smoke and have no will to really live except hoping that I can somehow get out of this rut... But it never ends. No matter what. What little cash I have i somehow end up having to give it to my mom... Otherwise I dont hear the end of it. So I just dont tell her. Then she finds out and Flips. I havent bought my own clothes in over a year. The last tshirt I bought myself was my Angels and Airwaves tshirt. That was the last time I could afford to buy my own clothes. That was April of last year. Now its April of 2007. When is this going to end for me? When will I be able to live? It's the only thing I really want to do. Live.

Life in the Fast Lane

High School for some is the best time of their lives. Some say its just senior year. My step-mother preferred to say that college was the best time of her life. She may be correct for a UC Davis full ride and in a Sorority drop out. But the one thing I and a few other guys I know cant seem to get past (as in.. were done and moved on, but would still do anything for these girls.) is some of our high school relationships. Sure we may be friends with these girls but deep down we just want to scoop them up in our arms.

Now this could just be the Box Car Racer in me talking. But right now I'm caught off guard with myself. Their song "Tiny Voices" was playing and I started to reminisce about riding my bike to school all the time and just getting out of a really messed up relationship. At the same time the whole internet and media was buzzing about Blink 182 breaking up because Tom and Travis were in this new band "Box Car Racer." It really shook me up at the time because blink 182 is my all time favorite band. So them breaking up while I was all broken up… not a fun mix. Lucky for me at that time it was just a fluke. So like any good blink fan I picked up the BCR cd. It is an epic cd from the height of the 9/11 period. Anyone reading this who has not heard this cd or at least read the lyrics, really should. I'm going off on tangents… sorry. I'll try to stop doing that. I Promise. So back to my.... whatever this is… BLOGGING! May 21st, 2002, end of my sophomore year. The sun was nice and shiny, I think I was even my most physically fit at this time. Hell I was getting good looking girls left and right... but. Things had gone sour with a certain Swexican (Swedish Mexican) and I'll leave her embarrassing name out. Started things up with this really nice girl I knew from Citrus Heights. Rivkah, she was a trip, and her mom is great too. Unfortunately the whole time I was with the "Swexican" I had my eye on her... like deep down I knew I was destined to be the only guy in our youth groups to ever really be with her. So basically I pretty much spent the whole sophomore year growing testicles… So I could finally leave the retarded chick and go to one more my liking… And no I'm not normally one to treat women like shoes you garner around and show off to people. But the Swexican was just a bad choice. Again… Back on topic. Rivkah was definitely one of the most fun and unique people I have ever gone out with. All she wants to do is make you smile. But she is a better topic for that Plus 44 song "Make You Smile" which I will save for another blog. It tore me up when she moved to Utah though. This again pushed me back to listening to the Box Car Racer CD.

This is one of those strange things for me… thinking about and getting flashbacks of all the good times in high school. But especially all those good times I had with my "Cat Like Thief" we have moved on to the end of summer and beginning of my Junior which I can honestly say I was my best looking. Working at the Nursery and riding my bike from Old Elk Grove to the nursery to my moms and back to old Elk Grove on the weekends and then from Old Elk Grove to LCHS Monday through Friday. I was a sexy bitch back then. I need to start doing that again… So my sexy self met this girl (lets call her Marie for her own privacy) Marie, She was wonderful and what I really needed at the time as far as relationships go. She didn't care that I wasn't the strongest or skinniest guy wearing Atticus and Famous Stars and Straps (before they were rap…….). Or that even though I was my most fit my ass was still… well… fat. Fuck my genes! She herself though was physically fit, could pull wearing just about anything; was and still is one of the most beautiful girls I've had the pleasure of spending time with. And even though after going out for what I think was 9-11 months; and experiencing the worst heartbreak ever imaginable by any means. Literally. She and I have since come to be able to get along with each other and even joke a bit. She's probably reading this and rolling her eyes though. It's ok Marie! But going back to this whole "Cat Like Thief" thing. I wish distractions would just go away and let me write this damn blog…

Every guy has theirs; that one girl that they just always hold on to and may have moved on from but if they called they would be at their doors for them anytime. Reason being is that we guys are kind of dumb. But the good guys are also stupidly sentimental. And we look for that euphoric feeling everyone gets when someone is a good kisser. But when your with the right person you feel it all the time. It leaves kind of an imprint on you. "Cat Like Thief" does this for me. Along with the song "Tiny Voices." The whole CD though is a euphoric feeling. Even if you don't like Tom DeLonge; the lyrics are at least worth reading. But more worth it with the music.

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Cat Like Thief - Box Car Racer

I fell down again

But I can't complain

Another false step

Could drive me insane

I only got myself here to blame

So I shake off the seat and I start again

Oh no I said I wanna go back

But I can't win the shit

And I'm gonna stay on track Yeah, make a deal like that

I keep my head up but I never react

I wrote it down, a list a month ago 16 chapters of one thing you've blown

The best thing yet to help you Through and through that she was

I feel her more than you

Don't leave Don't leave her(Yeah!)

I get up

Just to get knocked back down

I sit up

Just to get knocked all around

I wanna say something

But your out of town

I don't wanna have another

Short down say stand up (hey, yo)

Let's make it clear follow you home (no)

You were not there you saw him coming (jump)

You disappear home alone every night

Seems so clear you think you see me here

All alone got my crew coming now

One by one
Two by two

Three by three

Four by four

Let's do some more

Call me back when word is that she's gone

Cat like thief she stole air from my lungs

Leave me standing on this lonely grave

I dug it out in case she turns away(Don't leave, don't leave her [in the background 'til the end of song])

Don't leave, don't leave, don't leave her [x8]

You think you see me all alone Got my crew coming one by one

Two by two

Three by three

Four by four

Let's do some more
Don't leave, don't leave, don't leave her [x4]

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Tiny Voices

I've been all pinched up since Saturday

I've run myself dry of excellence

Sixteen long years and held the bullshit in Whatever I said on Saturday

Whatever I did, I'd do it all again

Nineteen marks up walls

Each year one short fall

Tiny VoicesMake things harder

Everybody will be let down,

Everybody will be let down

What is this for? Ex-parking lot

The dreamers go by, they never stop

Twenty bust by them

Let the youth cave in

Tiny VoicesMake things harder

Everybody will be let down,

Everybody will be let down

*Mumbling*

"...Tiny voices..."

"...Miniature voices...."

Tiny Voices

Make things harder
Tiny Voices

Make things harder

Everybody will be let down,

Everybody will be let down,

Everybody will be let down,

Everybody will be let down